


Conceal Don't Feel

by Non-Binary Royalty (BlazingStarInInkyBlackness)



Category: Sanders Sides, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Frozen is an amazing movie, Hurt/Comfort, Let It Go (Frozen Song), Self-Harm, Watching Disney movies to cope with life, why is that a tag?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 04:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/Non-Binary%20Royalty
Summary: Roman is feeling the stress of his first term of University weighing down on him. As he turns to more and more self- destructive measures his friends decide they have to step in before it gets even worse.





	Conceal Don't Feel

It was stupid. Roman knew it was stupid. Of course it was stupid.

But it didn’t stop the thoughts.

It didn’t stop the thoughts that there were people watching him, judging him. He stared down at the burger in front of him and began to chew at his lip. Surely no-one was thinking him greedy, he was in McDonalds for goodness sake!

_People are staring at you._

Maybe they just wish to learn some fashion tips, some quiet part of his brain whispered back.

_Looking at you? The fat pig you are? No-one wants to look at you except to laugh._

Roman let out a long breath before standing. He went to dump the untouched burger in the bin but paused. He was being wasteful, he was adding to the food waste that happened every day and was endangering their planet to the point where it was nearly unsalvageable. He was adding to it just because he couldn’t sit down and eat a meal like a normal person. But if he ate-

Roman shoved the burger, still in its container, into his bag before pushing out the doors. He pulled his coat around him as he strode to the bus stop and ignored how cold it was, how cold it always was. It was just another thing he maybe hadn’t taken into account when he moved so far north for University.

With winter setting in it was only made worse every day. So he’d stopped into the McDonalds so he could eat something warm. Then-

He was broken out of his thoughts as his phone began to ring. He stared down at Virgil’s face and answered the call.

“What do you want, J Delightful?”

“You’ve used that one before.” Virgil sneered out. Roman huffed. He wasn’t in the mood but he wasn’t about to let Virgil get one over on him. Despite being roommates and having the same friends they had never gotten on.

“What do you want?”

“Logan’s asking for you.”

“Tell him not to worry.”

“He says he wasn’t worried.” With that Virgil hung up. Roman sighed as the bus rolled up. He took a seat and let his head rest against the window, ignoring how filthy it might be.

He felt so empty and the burger swiftly cooling in his bag didn’t help. He knew that the moment he stepped back onto campus he’d have to be his normal self but he took those few, wonderful, moments, to just feel nothing.

 

“So, what exactly did you need me for?” Roman asked as he swept into Patton and Logan’s room. He placed the burger in Patton’s lap before slumping down on the bed.

“Aw, thank you Roman!” Patton exclaimed, opening the box up. He smiled down at the burger before he passed it to Logan. Roman watched it go and bit his lower lip.

Of course Patton wouldn’t want anything from him, no-one would want anything from Roman, he was tainted, he was filthy, he was-

“I know you haven’t eaten, kiddo.” Patton said as he pushed the burger towards Logan. Logan glanced at him and then the burger. He paused before nodding.

“Thank you. This seems… adequate nutrition.”

“We need to get you out more.” Virgil muttered from where he was slumped against the wall. Roman sat down on the bed and stared around the room.

“So? What was so vital?”

“Oh that!” Patton exclaimed. “We were just wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat for dinner. As a group, you know. Family bonding.”

“We’re not related.” Virgil muttered. He didn’t say it too loud, just in case Patton heard.

“I’ve got a busy schedule.” Roman replied.

“Really?” Logan turned. The burger had already vanished and Roman began to realise just why Patton was doing this; to get Logic to take a break. Roman doubted it was just Patton’s idea but he knew he wouldn’t get any confirmation from the mopey man. “Is there still work to do?”

“Oh, no.” Roman cast around for something to back up his lie that wouldn’t make Logan overwork himself even more. “Simply working towards my production.”

“Oh.” Logan nodded and filed the information away. “So you have no objections to this plan?”

“Well-” Patton looked around before he sighed. “I guess not.”

“If you don’t want to spend time with us just tell us.” Virgil grumbled, glaring at Patton. “It’s not difficult.”

“I adore your presence, apart from surly Temple over there.”

“You used that one before.”

“Curses!” Roman spat out. Why wasn’t his brain working properly? The insults he threw back and forth with Virgil were normally easy, was something wrong?

_More wrong than usual?_

“Hey, you with us, kiddo?” Patton asked. He stood and put a hand on Roman’s shoulder. Roman jumped slightly but then scoffed.

“Of course!”

“What about your play?” Virgil asked, with a sly grin on his face. Roman glared at him.

“I can simply do the work later.”

“Are you sure-”

“I can deal with it, Logan.”

 

Roman stared down at the menu in front of him. Of course they had to go to a pancake house. He could almost taste the grease and the fat, could almost see his hips swelling and-

“You okay there, bud?” Patton asked quietly. He was beginning to get worried. Worried over Roman. Roman squeezed his eyes shut before he nodded, offering a shaky smile.

“There is indeed a lot of food here.”

“Isn’t it great?” Patton grinned down at the menu. “I never used to go to these places when I was a kid!”

“Why not?” Roman asked. Patton sighed.

“Dunno. We didn’t do stuff as a family.”

“Wait.” Virgil stared at Patton. “Patton, dad guy, didn’t spend time with his family?”

“Now, now, I know you’re trying to make fun of me-”

“Duh.”

“But I’m just too happy we can do it now!”

Virgil opened his mouth to respond but closed it, smiling slightly.

“I- I think I am ready to order.”

“Finally!” Virgil grouched.

 

Roman stared at the food in front of him in trepidation. There was so much, there was too much. He knew people were staring at how much he’d ordered but he hadn’t known, he hadn’t known there’d be so much food just drizzling fat and-

He curled his hands into fists and stared down at his hands. He just had to power through this.

Each mouthful felt heavy and it seemed to swell in his throat as he struggled to swallow each bite, knowing what it was doing to him, that he was more revolting than ever, that no-one would want him like this because he was damaged, he was broken and no-one could want something like him.

Luckily Roman’s silence wasn’t really noticed by the rest of the table. Virgil was on his phone, Patton was digging into his food with gusto and Logan looked halfway to passing out.

As soon as the last bite was in his mouth Roman was on his feet.

“I shall be right back.” Roman all but ran into the bathroom. He slammed the door closed and felt his chest rising and falling rapidly, far too rapidly. His vision began to fuzz over as his legs gave out and he collapsed to the floor. He turned to the toilet just in time for his half eaten food exploded from his mouth.

Roman choked out the last of the vomit and just stared into the toilet through teary eyes. He spat a mouthful into the water, trying to wipe the taste out.

_So you got most of it out but how much is still there? You’re still fat. You’re worthless. You’re pathetic. You-_

“Roman?” Logan’s voice rang out in the bathroom and Roman groaned.

“Yes?” Roman winced at how rough his voice sounded. He tried again, with much better results. “Yes?”

“Are you okay? You sound ill.”

“I’m fine.” Roman forced himself to stand and ignore how his legs shook slightly. He flushed the toilet and opened the door.

“We’re going to go soon.”

“Why so soon?”

“Patton has managed to get it into his head that I’m sleep deprived.”

“Right. When was the last time you did sleep?”

Logan opened his mouth but didn’t seem to have an answer. Roman took that as a victory. A victory almost as sweet as the pancakes that were still clogging his veins, still making him slow, making him _fat-_

“We’d better get back.” Roman said weakly. If Logan noticed the change he didn’t say anything. Roman was fairly sure he hadn’t noticed it, if the way his eyes were slipping shut was any proof of just how exhausted he was.

 

Roman was surprised how long it took for his first full on break down. They were several months into the term with Christmas fast approaching. He was dizzy so often but he knew he didn’t get to eat, didn’t get to become fat all over again.

But then it was time for his Christmas performance. Everything was so busy, trying to juggle the performance alongside the deadlines and keeping up his social appearance all while not eating. It was so much but he’d always managed it in high school.

Well, he also happened to have a secret weapon.

In the back of his wardrobe was a first aid kit with a thin razor inside it. He hadn’t used it too much but then it was suddenly too much.

His words weren’t flowing as he tried to write, each word sticking and struggling to do anything. Then one of the major actors in his play broke their leg and was incapable of any of the fighting scenes so they either had to retrain someone completely or rewrite the script.

Someone floated the idea of just scrapping the musical but Roman ignored them. He set to rewriting the script with a passion that didn’t stop.

The clock ticked on in the corner. Virgil was in Patton and Logan’s room, realising Roman’s need for silence. Roman would need to thank him about that later as right then he was too busy trying to write out a song to convey the battle.

By the time it was past four in the morning Roman could feel tears appearing in his eyes. He couldn’t do this, it was just too much. He still had the essay to do and he was not ready to drop out of university.

_Everyone knew you would. You’re just a failure. They’re just waiting for you to screw up._

“No.” Roman whispered. “They- I’m going to finish this.”

_Then maybe you need a bit of motivation._

Roman let his head hit the desk. It would help him. He slowly stood and walked to the first aid kit. He pulled the razor out and took a deep breath. It would make everything better. He placed the blade on his legs and pulled, relishing in the blood that began to flow.

When he started he couldn’t seem to stop as the voice that had been so loud overtook him, forcing him to draw line and line again and again until his leg was a bloody mess.

Then he let his head hang down as sobs racked his body. This was the side of him that he never let anyone see, had never let anyone see. It was the part that he was most ashamed of, the broken part. He’d only picked up the razor a few times but it was so potent to see the blood, to know he’d done that, he could do something.

_Not anything useful._

Roman sniffed and wiped his face, ignoring the blood that was on his hands. He then got to work bandaging up his leg. When he pressed the antiseptic into the injuries he started to cry again which didn’t stop until he was in bed, curled up under the covers.

He could no, would, do better tomorrow.

 

Tomorrow was no better. Tomorrow was worse.

Roman brought the problem to the rest of his friends. Patton said that maybe they should call off the whole thing because of the stress. Virgil agreed because it sounded boring. Logan was both the best and worst though.

Logan quietly suggested that rather than creating a song he could write out a beat poem to be performed in the middle of the performance. Roman had admitted he didn’t know how to write one and Logan had just smiled and said he could do it instead.

While Roman had been expecting something terrible he was pleasantly surprised when the final product came and he rushed it to the crew, ignoring the limp he couldn’t quite shift.

It worked. It worked perfectly. Roman should have been excited.

_But you didn’t do it. Logan did. You say you’re the creative one and then Logan manages to fix your problems? If you’re not the creative one then what’s the point? What’s your point?_

Roman found a point, found it and dug it into his leg again and again until there was more blood, almost too much blood. Then he went back to his friends and smiled, pretended as if nothing was wrong when he could feel himself falling apart.

 

The last week of term was full of even more stress as Roman had to begin packing, working out what would stay and what he’d bring home.

Logan was staying over the holidays as his parents were on a cruise and he had too much work to do. Patton seemed torn between going and staying to look after Logan. In the end he left, promising to call Logan as often as he could. Virgil didn’t even offer a reason, just stated that he was going home. He didn’t look too happy about it but shut down the conversation anytime someone else brought it up.

Roman was going back home, back home to his hometown where everyone was waiting for him to do something. He knew it was stupid, he was still a teenager after all, but he felt so guilty that he hadn’t manage to do anything.

_You’re worthless. How long will it take until they work that out? Then work out that you lied to them all?_

Roman bit his lip and looked over his shoulder. He had two days to go until the end of term and not much to do. The play was over, his essay was handed in. He could cut freely knowing he had months for it to heal up until the next term.

He quietly made his way across the room, trying his hardest to not wake Virgil. He had only just managed to get his project in on time and had even more anxious than usual. Roman was fairly sure Virgil had suffered at least one full blown panic attack if Patton was one to believe. Roman had been at the theatre.

_Can’t even help your friends when they need you._

Roman grabbed the razor and walked back to the chair. He set the first aid kit down and winced at the thunk it made. He glanced at Virgil who whined and moved but didn’t seem to wake up. Roman let out a long breath at that as he pulled out the blade.

Virgil felt his eyes flutter open. He looked around in confusion, ready to fall asleep again. Then he saw a figure in the chair, illuminated by the phone in his hand. Virgil paused but realised after a second it must be Roman, not some kind of beast.

His blood suddenly ran cold as he realised the other man was crying. It was soft, not enough to wake Virgil, but far too loud in the deafening silence of the room. Then Virgil saw Roman pull up his shirt just a bit and place something against the skin.

The first cut shocked him into making his presence known.

“Don’t.” Virgil said softly. Roman let out a cry of surprise and he dropped the razor to the floor. He stared at Virgil in shock and opened his mouth for an explanation. Virgil stared back, knowing there was no possible explanation apart from the one that felt the most ridiculous; Roman self-harmed.

They stared at each other for a long moment before Virgil stood slowly. That seemed to be all Roman needed to unfreeze him. He was on his feet in a moment. He grabbed his phone and ran from the room.

“Roman!” Virgil shouted after him to no avail. He stumbled into the hall but paused as he saw the door at the end of the hallway slam shut. Roman could go anywhere. Virgil walked back into his room and began to get dressed. He didn’t care how late- or early- it was. He had to find Roman.

Before he did something stupid.

 

Virgil stumbled across campus until he eventually ended up at Patton and Logan’s room. He slammed on the door several times until Logan appeared in an onesie. Patton was in a similar onesie, a set of early Christmas presents from Roman. Virgil point blank refused to wear his bright pink one.

“Virgil?” Patton asked, confused. “Why-”

“Roman’s self-harming!” Virgil all but shouted. Patton gasped, a hand going to his mouth. Logan didn’t seem to react at all but his eyes glazed over slightly as if he was thinking back to situations which had never made so much sense.

“Are you sure?” Patton whispered. Virgil nodded as he walked in. He couldn’t bring himself to sit down anywhere, just began to pace up and down while wringing his hands. He hadn’t seen it, how could he have not seen it? He of all people-

“Where is he?” Logan asked. “Do you think he’s at risk of further harming himself?”

“Further- oh.” Patton broke off as Patton’s meaning sunk in.

“I- I don’t know! He was just- just slicing himself up and I- I couldn’t catch him! What if he does?” Virgil could feel his breathing speed up but he didn’t care, couldn’t bring himself to care. “What if he hurts himself? It’s my fault. He must have been doing this for so long and I didn’t see it. I-”

“Calm down, kiddo.” Patton said gently, stepping forwards. Virgil shook his head.

“He could be in danger!”

“Just take a deep breath.” Patton half whispered. He brought Virgil into a close hug. Virgil fought against it for only a moment before he relaxed into it. He let his eyes slide closed as Patton muttered out a breathing exercise.

When Virgil’s breathing had finally slowed his phone buzzed. He stared down and pulled it out.

**From: Princey**

**I know you told them. I’m going home**

“What is it?” Logan asked. Virgil passed the phone to him and he frowned. “We should ascertain he is okay.”

**To: Princey**

**Are you okay?**

All three stared at the phone, waiting for it to buzz out a response.

It didn’t.

 

Roman sunk down lower in the train seat. He was lucky that there was a train this early in the morning. He’d have to wait around for a few hours at the next stop but after that it would be easier, anything would be easier away from his friends.

All he could think of was Virgil’s eyes. They hadn’t been rimmed by his usual eye shadow but rather by deep shadows. He’d just looked so sad when he’d seen it, so sad and so scared.

That was too close to pity for Roman.

_You don’t even deserve his pity. You don’t deserve anything from him. From any of them._

Roman stared down at the coffee cup in his hands. It was black with no sugar, little more than hot water. It tasted revolting but he was too cold, he hadn’t had the time to grab his coat. He hadn’t managed to force more than half of it down until it got too cold so he was just picking off the edges of the cup and dropping it into the coffee.

By the time the train stopped his coffee cup was half the size and Roman’s anxiety was not sated in the least. He knew that his phone was buzzing but he didn’t answer it. There was no way Virgil would keep it to himself so Logan and Patton would know. Roman trusted them enough to not tell anyone else but it was still so embarrassing

Roman sighed and put his head into his hands. He had a few months to work it out. To work out what he’d say and what he’d do. Then it would be fine.

It had to be fine.

 

Being home didn’t help Roman much. It was nice to be with his family again but all he could think about was that he would have to go back and face his friends.

He thought that being home would help, the normalcy would give him stability but everything was wrong. He wasn’t going to school, he wasn’t talking to his high school friends, he was halfway between an adult and a child and he was so lost.

The collection of cuts along his legs grew and grew until he didn’t want to walk. The amount on his plate stayed the same as he refused to let himself grow fat all over again.

He knew his parents were worried but he couldn’t bring himself to worry about that. He just had to be okay. He just had to be good enough. Then everything would be alright.

 

Virgil stared out the car window as it slowly rolled up to the university. He glanced to his mother who was staring at him surreptitiously.

“You okay there, sweetie?”

“Yeah.” Virgil didn’t try asking her to not call him that, it was just habit for her.

“Well I do need to get back but remember that I’m-”

“Just a call away. I know, mom. Thanks.”

“Just- if it gets bad.”

“I’ll call you tonight.” Virgil muttered, grabbing his bag and sliding out of the car. He turned to wave as the car pulled away and his mother smiled. Virgil’s brief smile then washed off his face as he turned towards his accommodation.

Each step up only added to his nervousness until he physically couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. He fished out his phone and dialled Logan, knowing the man would have comforting words for him.

“Virgil?” Logan asked down the phone.

“I-I’m here. I- I’m outside my door.”

“Are you going to talk to him about… it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well just know that Logon and I are here in case anything goes wrong.”

“It’s gonna go wrong?”

“Of course not!” Patton rapidly added. “Just- just if you want to hang with your dad.”

“You’re not my dad.” Virgil muttered out. Patton mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘not for lack of trying’. “What was that?”

“Nothing! Now go on, just talk to him.”

“Ye-yeah. Okay.” Virgil took a deep breath and pushed the door open. Roman was sat on his bed with a laptop on his lap. The two stared at each other for a long moment before Roman spoke.

“Did you have a good break?”

“We’re gonna watch Frozen.” Virgil announced as he sat down next to Roman. Roman turned to him and began to frantically brush away his tears. Virgil felt a pang of guilt as he realised he hadn’t even seen that Roman was crying.

“Wh-what?”

“We’re gonna watch Frozen.” Virgil repeated as if it was obvious. Roman continued to blink in confusion and Virgil just sighed. “Trust me.”

“O-okay.”

Virgil paused at that. He turned to Roman with a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t say any of them. Instead he just pulled the DVD from the top of his bag and pushed it into the laptop and laid back.

As the movie progressed Roman felt himself relax a bit. He leant his head against Virgil’s side at some point and barely noticed as Virgil tensed. When Virgil said nothing Roman just continued to lie there and watched the icy magic in front of him.

Just as Elsa ran from the castle Virgil paused the movie. Roman whined gently and Virgil scoffed.

“Baby. Just listen to me, okay?”

“Kay.”

“Look.” Virgil took in a deep breath. He then slowly pulled up his sleeve to reveal line after line carved into his skin. Roman stared at them for a long moment before he looked back at Virgil. “We’re maybe more similar than we think.”

“Why?”

“Be-because I was going through something.” Virgil rolled his sleeve back down and hunched in on himself again. “It was- I didn’t know something important about myself and it was tearing me up. I- I got super anxious and that was the best way to help it. I regret it now but I can’t- scars don’t come off.” Virgil’s voice broke slightly at that and he shook his head.

“I don’t-”

“Scars don’t come off. They- they’re there until I die. And- and I’m gonna be buried with them. I hate them and I- I know that if I hadn’t cut then I might have killed myself.”

“Virgil-”

“I don’t want your pity. This-this was-” Virgil pointed at the screen. “I- I watched this right after I- I came out.” The end of his sentence was soft and Roman nodded slowly. “And this- this song was everything. I was just- I- I broke down in the middle of the theatre. For the rest of the film I sat outside listening to it on YouTube over and over again. I still do that.” His last sentence was softer as he felt tears fill his eyes.

“You voluntarily listen to Let It Go?” Roman asked, trying to connect the pieces. Virgil rolled his eyes.

“It’s a good song.”

“Well of course, Idina Menzel is-”

“No it’s-” Virgil sighed. “That song it- I- nothing mattered anymore. I could start over. It didn’t matter if the rest of my family didn’t accept me or if my friends didn’t. I was- it’s dumb.” Virgil stood abruptly, disrupting Roman who fell to the side.

“Virgil I didn’t- I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You need to stop cutting.” Virgil snapped back. He was hunched in on himself far more than usual, he looked smaller. “If you want your normal life to carry on, anyway.”

“Virgil please-”

“I need to go.” With that Virgil turned and all but ran from the room.

Roman stared after him and frowned as his hand hovered over the button to play it. He sighed and set the laptop aside. He picked up his phone and dialled in Patton’s number.

 

It became the awkward unspoken thing that existed within the group. Roman cut and he refused to talk about it. The few times Logan or Patton approached him he just brushed it off.

After the first day of term he didn’t cut again for two weeks, just trying to work through exactly what Virgil had told him. For some reason he also couldn’t bring himself to watch Frozen. As soon as he started it he remembered the ugly scars hidden underneath Virgil’s permanent long sleeves.

_You couldn’t help him. What if you trigger him? What if he cuts again because of you? You’re not worth that._

Every time the little voice spoke up Roman tried to fight against it but it got more difficult. Even as he celebrated meeting up with the other people from the theatre he still had the overhanging cloud that the auditions were coming up and he didn’t know if he would be good enough.

And Virgil was avoiding him.

That was the worst bit.

Virgil was spending more and more time out. Roman didn’t know where and neither Logan nor Patton could answer the question. Virgil just shrugged it off every time. He began to withdraw into himself, spending more time with his headphones on, ignoring the world. It hurt Roman to think, even for just a second that it could be his fault.

Fifteen days after term started back up it got to be too much again. Virgil had apparently broken down in class, had been comforted by Patton before going home. He hadn’t gone home once in the first term and it scared Roman wondering if it was permanent or even if it wasn’t permanent, if it was just for a bit.

Roman couldn’t stand the thought of pushing Virgil away.

So he slammed into his empty room, trying to ignore the silence and the loudness that never left as the voice teased him. He ripped open the closet and pulled out the first aid kit. He was amazed to find the blade at the bottom. Virgil hadn’t thrown it out.

Roman took a deep breath at that before he placed the blade at the top of his legs and pulled it down. He frowned as it didn’t bite as deep as normal, it barely bit at all. He stared down and was confused when there was no blood.

Virgil must have blunted the blade down to nothing, Roman slowly realised. It raised so many more questions but he didn’t have an answer to any of them. He stared at the blade for several seconds before dropping it. He curled into himself and began to sob, heaving sobs that left no room for air or speech to cry out into the empty room.

“Roman?”

Roman sat up straight and stared at where Patton was standing in the doorway. Patton stared at the first aid kit and his eyes filled with tears.

“Patton this is not-”

“Why do you do it?” Patton walked into the room and sat down on Virgil’s bed. He sighed. “I’m not mad I’m just-”

“What? Disappointed?” Roman scoffed. He had to get Patton out of there before he asked too many other questions, before he asked a question Roman couldn’t help but answer. “Please, you’re not my father.”

“I know that, kiddo. That doesn’t mean I’m not worried about you though.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t!” Roman spat out. Patton frowned.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t deserve it!” Roman cried out. He couldn’t stop now, not with Patton just sat there, just waiting for his answer. “Because I’m just taking up space and I’m why Virgil has gone and I’m so tired of being the bad guy! I just want-” Roman sighed and shook his head as he began to cry again. Patton sighed and pulled him into a hug.

“Virgil didn’t go home because of you. He just needed a bit of space.”

“But I- what if I made it worse?”

“How’s about this, we call him up and-”

“No! What is-”

“I’m calling him.” Patton pulled out his phone and dialled in Virgil’s number before Roman could have a chance to argue further.

“Hello?” Virgil grouched down the phone. Patton smiled.

“Where are you?”

“I’m on my way back. Why?”

“Roman here has a few things to say to you.”

“I don’t need to talk to him.” Virgil muttered out. Roman hung his head and Patton frowned.

“Why not?”

“Take me off speaker.”

“Okay.” Patton held the phone to his ear, turning slightly away from Roman. “Why not?”

“Look I- I have a history of- of self-harm.” Virgil sounded as if each word was impossible to get out. “And sometimes people I care about get hurt because of that. I don’t- I don’t want to hurt Roman, okay? Don’t read anything into that.”

“He’s worried about the same thing.”

“That he’s gonna t-trigger me?” Virgil tripped over the word, as if it was difficult for him to admit to.

“Yeah.”

“He’s an idiot.”

“Do you want to tell him that? In a nicer way.”

“I’m not sure-”

“Virgil wants to talk to you.” Patton announced, handing the phone to Roman. Roman stared at it in surprise before he raised it to his ear.

“Virgil? Are you- are you coming back?”

“Duh. I mean- look, I just- I know it’s tempting and all and I don’t wanna make you do anything you’ll regret. Anyway, the other two can deal with feelings.”

“You expect Logan to deal with feelings?”

“Patton makes up for him.”

“He sure does.” Roman said with a smile as he glanced at Patton who beamed back. “So you’re not- you’re not leaving?”

“No. You’re- you’re my friend. It’s just- I told my mom about it and so she- she’s worried about me.”

“Why?”

“That’s what happens when you-” Virgil cut himself off with a sigh. “Look, it doesn’t matter. I was just- I was worried that you were doing it because of me.”

“You?”

“I’m never nice to you. I- even when I found out and when I tried to explain it-”

“You blunted the blade.”

“Yeah. It- I get that it helps but I thought that maybe you might save yourself a few scars.”

“Thank you.” Roman whispered. Virgil sighed again.

“You have to stop.”

“I’m not sure I can.” Roman’s voice wobbled and he ducked his head. In an instant Patton was there, wrapping his arms around Roman.

“We can together.” Patton pledged. Roman relaxed into him and let the tears trickle down his face.

 

The first therapy session wasn’t available for months and Roman, after some consideration, decided to not book it. He reasoned with himself that there was no way he wouldn’t have cured himself of his slump by then.

A week after he’d promised to try and get better he and Virgil were alone in their room. Virgil took off his headphones and watched Roman for several long moments.

“What do you want?”

“Did you finish watching Frozen?”

“No. Why?”

“We’re watching it now.”

Roman put up no fight as Virgil set everything up again. He sat in front of the screen and it began to play from the beginning.

“I’ve never been the perfect child.” Virgil said quietly. “I- I guess the perfect daughter.”

“You don’t look like you’d make a good daughter.” Roman snarked. Virgil choked out a laugh at that and Roman stared at him. “Did I overstep a mark?”

“Nah, you’re cool Princey.” Virgil continued to smile, a small smile that could almost be missed. “My parents wanted me to be married and happy and then I came out and…”

“You couldn’t have children.”

“Well…” Virgil shrugged and sighed as if he didn’t know what to say. “My parents took a while but this film just- I knew I’d love them no matter what and I could just hope they’d love me too.”

“Do they? Accept you, I mean.”

“Yeah. You should tell your parents.”

“I don’t think-”

“We all know that but they can help.”

“How?”

“The love of family is- it’s a lot more powerful than you might think. Also they might be able to deal with whatever eating disorder you’ve got going on.”

“I-”

“It’s not like it’s worse than self-harm. Just try not to. Patton’ll talk you through anything as long as he knows.”

“Has he helped you?”

“Not before we last watched this.” Virgil gestured to the film that was still playing. They’d both seen it enough times to not need to pay attention to every scene. “A couple of times since.”

“I’m- I’m glad.”

“Yeah.”

The two turned to the laptop just as the song began to play.  Virgil wasn’t quite sure when he started to well up but by the end of the song he was quietly sobbing. He froze as he felt arms wrap around him. He turned his head to see Roman hugging him tightly, also crying.

That became the first of many things they never spoke about to anyone else. It was their moment and their moment alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Cause what this fandom obviously wanted more of was angst... idk. Anyway, this will be a series, each focusing on a different side and the issues they have to deal with  
> And if you were wondering then yes, I did have this pseud before I wrote this. Yes, the main reason I wrote this was so that I could finally use it  
> (I have previously published this on my tumblr blazingstarininkyblackness)


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